blindlyliving22

Here i sit amongst the remains of saturday night. The place is trashed. I thought hearts would be warmed by good food and a movie marathon. I didn't know it would end in screams and sounds of shattering glass. I clamped my hands over my ears and screamed for it to stop. thank god i wasn't involved but i heard it, i watched them break everything.
I dont know what to do. All i want in my life is a peace, is a calm. My calm is always broken by some self absorbed individual, someone or someones who cannot keep their feelings in check, who become enraged beasts and destroy everything in sight. All i want to do is run. All i want to do is run away. Who could I turn to in that time? There was no one. Not one soul i could talk to and still isnt so i must resort to writing...it is probably better for me in the long run.
Sadly words cannot even describe how i feel right now. Lost....hurt..sad...or more like despaired....trapped. anguished. empty. afraid.
The tension in this place is mounting and becoming great.  I no longer feel happy or comfortable being here, in any room. I dont want to do anything. I dont want to be here. all i can think of is being far away. but i cant i have nowhere to go and anywhere i did go i would be alone and feeling the same things.
Everything is trashed!! The only person i have is passed out in a drunken sleep. and he is partly responsible for the chaos that ensued. and he is the closest person i have. i dont want to tell any of my family about anything that happens here. they probably hate the life ive chosen already. i wish i had someone but all i have is myself. i look around and see this mess and it only haunts me and reminds me of what happened. i cant change it. I cant go back and prevent it. I went to the bathroom for 2 seconds and all hell broke loose. i hate them. i hate them so much for acting that way.
and no one knows or cares or wants to know. no one gives a shit about me or what goes on. i just got to keep it all inside and like i said the closest person to me is the one that hurts me the most. i cant do shit. all i do is cry. and my kitty cats got so scared they wont even come near me. i hate that the most i think. my poor sweet little kitty cats.

not feeling well. Extremely annoyed and irritable...ive had an emotionally strenuous day...mood swings, bouts of tears.. i just wish this was all over. i wish it was okay to shoot myself but its completely unacceptable if you know people..especially children. So i am stuck here...and i have to make the best of it which means shoving all of my feelings away and being careful not to aggravate those around me. No one wants to be around someone who is depressed. So when i let my depression or irritability show, he gets angry at me, makes a big deal out of things in front of the brothers. And as always, i end up looking like the problem, the bad one, the irrational one.
In most situations of my life, i am usually the worst person. I'm the dumbest person in any conversation...the wrong person in any argument, the bad guy when i get angry. I don't understand why things have gone this way for me...i know exactly why my parents are so disappointed in me. I am disappointed in me. I don't ever feel good...and i have almost nowhere to vent except for here. Because i have no one who listens to me without getting angry. I have no one who cares to know what is going on inside of my head. No one who wants to know all these dumb random things about me that makes me ME....all the things that are important to me or the things that i feel i must keep them to myself because i've found that everytime i open my mouth i get into some kind of trouble. Some kind of argument or someone's got some kind of problem with me. I hate it so much :(

It's so strange that I was born this way and that I hate it. That I have to be a woman but an ugly fat one. One that guys don't want. And on top of everything I have a crappy personality. I'm just tired of guys playin mind games with me. Why don't they ever say what they feel? Then I'm just left to sit and think and wonder. And what happens when one of them feigns interest, rejects you afterwards, and then comes back again wanting another chance? Now that I've given him another chance is it all just going to tumble down on top of me now? Again? And if I make the same mistake twice then it's obviously my fault.
I hate being fucked around with. Damn yeah it was really hot and I loved it. But can I separate myself? That's gonna be difficult man...I see him a lot. I'd like to keep it that way. Now all of these complicated feelings are in the way. And I just want to think of him holding me. Of him wanting me. Him wanting to know me, know my thoughts, my fears, my dreams, my wants, my passions... I do enjoy fantasizing about the man that I want. I want the little things. I want him to be comfortable with me and I want to be comfortable with him. I want him to hold me when we watch movies, I want him to love the songs that I love, to make me mix cds of songs that he knows I will love. I want him to tease me, to flirt with me, to let me know that he likes me and he wants me to be his. And I want him to think that I am beautiful and sexy on the outside and beautiful and precious on the inside. I want him to not want to hurt me.
There's lots of things I want that I don't have. Lots of little moments in life that I always wanted ever since I was a little girl. I wonder if i'll ever have it or if this is the end.

I really hope that what they say about karma is true..
I hope it all comes back around and kicks them in their asses.
I've always tried to right my wrongs
It's a damn shame that nowadays it's cool to be a prick.
So go ahead, let your count rise
Add me to your list of people you've stepped on.
Never mind that feelings could be getting hurt, crushed, shattered.
After all, petty games are fun, right?
But one of these days...god willing...you'll be begging me for a favor
don't worry...you'll know where to find me.
I'll be the one that's pointing and laughing at you
diabolically, of course. :)

I regret to inform you that I have feelings. Yeah, real emotions...I bleed and I cry and I hurt and I suffer. Perhaps you have forgotten...
Why is it always left trailing off into nothing? Can't you just close the damn door? Why is there the pretense that you're going to return?What the hell is up with these GAMES?
Oh yeah, I have thoughts too. I am cursed with them, flooded with them, a torrent of my own interpretations and analyses...but when I have nothing else to go on, what else can I do?
unfortunately I am human, even more unfortunately I am female.
I am weak
I am nothing
I will go crawling back to you at a moment's notice like the pathetic loser that I am.
Does this make you happy??
Well...if it doesn't I hope that she does, at least.

I can feel myself falling, crashing hard for this man. This man who so recently stepped into my life and captivated my interest. What an amazing man, when I see him my heart pounds and all I can wish is that he would just talk to me, look at me, throw a glance my way. All I can hope is that my words are clear, humorous, significant. I am so afraid of driving him away. I don't yet trust him, I don't know if I can take his words to heart.
I want to leave here, start over. I want him to want me. The words he says tell me that he is interested, that perhaps he wants me too. But what if it's all lies? What if I am once again devastated and left alone? I want him to hold me, I want him to be my hero, my sweet romantic hero. I would try so hard to make him happy, just to see that smile, to hear that quiet voice.
He is so beautiful in many ways, he has taken over my mind, every thought I have is for him. He is in my fantasies when I lay in bed. He is in my thoughts as I am awake. He is in my dreams when I am sleeping. My heart drops to my shoes when I see a new message from him. Every thought of mine is I want him. I want him with me. I want him to be with me. I never want him to be sad again, I wish I could be his angel.

help me i'm drowning again
once again being sucked under
no air to breathe
I am digging my own grave
you have stolen my attentions
you are stealing my soul
I can feel the pain beginning to spread
please don't hurt me.

Sometimes I have these dreams...I always wake up from them feeling so depressed, like my life is recklessly heading in one direction and I can do nothing to stop it, I have nowhere to turn, no one to turn to. The things that I always wanted in life are things that  I will never have. My entire childhood all I did was console myself with these dreams, these desires, thinking that all I needed to do was wait and eventually they would come to me. What a crock of shit, I have now realized that life is a joke, it is merely a torture. We are all obligated to live it, myself included. But all of the things I want out of life, my hopes and thoughts...well I have realized that they are impossible. With every day the world around me gets a little worse, people get more greedy and more evil, ideals change...everyone is focused on physical beauty and no one cares to talk to you if you have nothing immediate to offer. Which I don't, I've never been one to excel in social situations, I've always been the one to stay in the corner and I always try to keep myself from talking. And now that I examine my current relationships I realize that there is no one who cares for me in the way I always wanted to be cared for. No one who will just listen to me without interrupting ever five seconds with their own theories. No one who will truly listen to what I'm saying, perhaps empathize or at least try... No one who loves or admires me or who just wants to help, who wants to be there, or who even craves to have a conversation! There's just me and I'm slowly learning that if I am to stay here I am going to have to be the one that changes. I'm going to have to put all that behind me. Everything I want, I will have to shove back into the back of my mind, bury it. I can't go on dwelling on them if I won't be able to have them. That's pretty much just torture. And i'm sick of being tortured.
But most of all i'm sick of these people. I'm sick of them all, they are all stupid hurtful idiots. I hate seeing them everyday. I hate having to talk to them and look at them. I want them all to go away, i just wish I had a machine gun. I am now going to withdraw.

i walked for miles until i felt like dying. it would rain for days and then the sun would come out for a little while to give the rain a little break i guess. those were the best days. but then of course the rain would be right back. i had to keep walking though. you're not allowed to turn around and walk back. because there's nothing to walk back to. the earth drops away behind you but you don't notice. you have to keep walking, remembering all of the times the sun would shine to help keep you going. sunshine always makes for the best walking. so i walked. so many times i just wanted to stop and have a rest. but i couldn't. who made these rules anyway? just what am i walking for?
there were always other people around, walking the same walk. we all walked forward towards our goal. some of the people brought rain with them. whenever they walked near where i was walking the rain would pour in torrents, soaking me, soaking my clothes making me feel heavier. it is so difficult to walk in the rain. it becomes a chore to lift your feet to move because everything under you becomes soft and muddy, trying to keep you stranded.
in order to keep walking you have to be careful not to let them walk too near you. the people who bring the heavy rains. as long as you kept yourself at a distance from them it would be just a little easier to walk. i kept my head down when they were around. i kept my eyes averted and my mouth shut. they would eventually walk on in another direction but there were always more of course. more always come.
but then there were the people who brought the sun with them. i just wanted to walk with them forever. if i started to get exhausted they would offer to help me. i would lean on them, but just for a little while. of course they will eventually head off in a different direction just like the people who bring the rain. they will walk away from you, taking the sun with them and you watch them go until they are nothing but a dot in the distance. and then you keep on walking lonely once more. you soon find that the people who bring the sun with them are few and far between.
all i thought about while i was walking is how much i miss the sunshine. without sunshine the walk is nothing. it is pointless. i dont want to walk anymore. when will i finally get to where i'm going? where am i going? i never asked to be here. i never said i wanted to walk this endless walk. but i'm stuck in it heading off to somewhere...somewhere.  why is there so much fucking rain?? why can't i just stop and lie down? i'm so lonely here on my never ending journey. i just want someone to walk with me. i miss you so fucking much. i wish you were here to walk with me again.
there were people who tried to get to me while i walked. but there was always just rain. don't they understand that i can't walk in the rain? how do they do it? how do they continuously trudge along in the rain, and making other people walk through it? so i had to protect myself and keep walking. if your guard is up then they can't get to you. they wont get in close to hurt you and drag you along in the mud.
god i hate the rain. when the sun is shining i can walk freely and look around and notice the scenery. i can begin to think to myself that i have a reason to keep on walking. the thing i don't understand is there's so little sunshine. fuck this journey. fuck it. i'm going to stop and fucking lie down and close my eyes for once. maybe i'll drop off with the earth. and everyone will walk on without me.

i am so beyond upset right now. it aint even funny. i wish i had someone i could talk to. But i don't. I really have no one. Everyone that is close to me is not really all that close. I can talk to some friends about things i can't talk to other friends about. And what i feel right now, and feel on a daily basis...i have no one to talk to about it. Eh fuck this. I can't even write about right now.